Estate Agent speak translated

Deciphering the Estate Agent Code
Some of the things estate agents write about properties can be confusing. So what do their pet phrases mean?

Close to all transport links might indicate it’s so close to a main road that you can guess the tonnage of the lorries whizzing by just by the vibrations alone. May also indicate a direct view of the local motorway. It might also mean surrounded by a railway and a road. Convenient for local transport does mean that the bus stop is directly outside the front.
Tucked away means that it’s not near any transport links at all and there’s a half hour walk down a dirt track to get to the property. This can also indicate that the property is hidden behind some industrial units.

There’s a scale of estate agent speak about the level of work needing doing on a house.
Of interest to builders means it probably needs a hard hat for viewings and is in danger of falling down, may have already fallen down, or need pulling down.
Original features indicate no work has been done for some years. This can be a blessing as it means original nice features may be retained, or it might mean no work has been done since the 1960s when avocado bathrooms were all the rage.
Rare opportunity usually means it’s been in the same family for some time and has been owned by an increasingly aged occupant who has not heated the property enough to keep the dry rot away.
Needs TLC can mean anything from light dusting to full blown renovation work needed. In need of renovation might also mean the same range of things, that is: rewiring, new boiler, windows, new kitchen and bathroom and then decorating. This can also be described by using the phrase has potential! Would benefit from some updating is another euphemism for this. DIYer's dream usually means the seller has made some botched attempts at improving the house and that it now needs the professionals in.
Deceptively spacious is an amusing one. We all know the Tardis is fictional, but we still believe that a house can be bigger on the inside than it is on the outside? Early viewing recommended is one of those things to make you think a property is more desirable than it is.
Corporate Client can mean repossession. No upper chain can also mean repossession.
No upper chain on a family size home can also mean that the current occupants have passed on to a better place. Often Fairviews Nursing home … This can be confirmed by the presence of patterned carpet, tasselled sofas and old fashioned style gas fires.
Reduced for Quick Sale might indicate the owners are desperate to sell before it’s repossessed.
In Our Opinion is an indication that you might well disagree with the following statement.
Cosy means tiny. Compact and bijou mean tiny. Potential to extend also means tiny. Charming can also indicate tiny but is likely to also indicate low ceilings and beams to crack your skull on.
Desirable neighbourhood means that the property is overpriced.
An Up and coming neighbourhood means it’s not there yet, so might be a bit risky after dark.
Studio apartment means that it’s so small you can stir you soup whilst you’re in the bath.
Well maintained property means they did some work about 20 years ago and think it makes the property worth more.
Very well looked after is similar to as above but with the seller wanting to make extreme profit from having repainted the kitchen door five years ago.

Offers over is an indication the estate agent couldn’t persuade the seller how little their house was worth.
Easily maintained garden means that it’s not big enough to actually need a lawn mower and you’ll have to use scissors. May also indicate every plant in the garden is in a pot and won’t be there when you get the keys!
Convenient for local school means it’s got parking problems at school dropping off times and hoards of screaming children at breaks. On the plus note the 15 weeks of holidays offer ample peace and quiet when it’s just people stealing the lead off the school roof that create the noise.
Box room means that the room isn’t legally big enough to fit a bed and a human being but if you need a room to store the ironing board it’s probably big enough. Describing a room as a study is also a euphemism for it not being big enough to be a bedroom.
Good size double bedroom indicates that if you get a smaller than normal double bed you might squeeze it in.
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